I don't really know the exact moment our whole relationship fell apart but somewhere along the timeline of my life it did. It may of been when he just refused to be a part of mine or my children's lives. Maybe that did it? I just chalk it up to a loss in my life that I have kind of learned to live without. I try calling sometimes. Heck, I even go and visit sometimes. But, it's awkward. It's uncomfortable. It's forced. It's fake. I love him dearly. I even love my step-mom and think that maybe in another life we would of had a lot in common and been friends. I'm tired of trying to sort it all out when none of it makes any sense to me. I'm just left with feelings of uncertainty. I just don't get it. Why do so many people have Dad issues?
I guess with Father's Day approaching I'm feeling melancholy about it all. He is getting up there in age (70's) and so am I. I just wish things would be different. I try, I think but honestly I also try not to put myself out there too much anymore. So maybe I'm not trying near enough? I don't want the hurt or rejection that caused the tears so many years ago. Plus as a parent I also think it's our job to reach out to our children to some extent. I know if I called him with a need he would fill it. Flat tire, house repairs, etc. That has always been my Dad. Keep him working and you got him. I have never wanted to do that to him though. I just want good ol' Dad back from way back when. I want my kids to have a Grandpa like I had, which was an amazing one. I also feel it's too late for him to be a Grandfather to my kids, none of them even really know him since he was never really around much.
Life is weird.
I guess as long as we both live there is hope in the future. I will give this to God and pray he makes our relationship into one I will miss one day instead of one that I miss having.
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